A lot of South Asian men who moved abroad carry a quiet kind of loneliness. It’s not that there’s no one around. It’s that you did everything you were told would work. The degree. The job. Being polite. Being patient. And you still sit across from someone you wanted to be chosen by, and you feel invisible.
I’ve worked with men globally on this for nine years. And before we get to the inner stuff, the work each man has to do on himself, there’s something more honest to say first.
There’s a headwind.
Part of this isn’t in your head. The world makes a call about you before you open your mouth. Your skin. Your accent. The way your face gets read.
Most advice skips over this. One side tells you it’s all the world’s fault and you’re just a victim. The other side tells you it’s all in your head, go to the gym, be more dominant, out-earn the bias. Both are wrong.
So let me be straight about the headwind. It’s real. It hits before you’ve said a word. And pretending it isn’t there helps no one.
Your skin
Let’s start with the hard one. Colourism is real. And for most of us the cruel part is that the judgement came from our own people first, long before any white person looked at us.
Stay out of the sun or no one will marry you. Kaala, said in that tone. Fairness cream pushed on boys. The aunties calling the lighter cousin handsome and going quiet about the darker one. It goes back to caste and to colonial rule, and a lot of us learned our place in that ranking before we’d even been on a date.
But here’s something worth knowing. When researchers actually watched Asian people on speed dates, skin tone barely changed who got a second date. So the wound is often bigger than the reality. You can walk into a room already sure you’re the less wanted one. And that, not your skin, is what people pick up on. The colourism is real.
But a big part of what you carry is a judgement your family and community handed you, and you’re still the one enforcing it, long after the room has stopped caring.
Your voice
Accent is the next filter, and it’s not made up. People hear a non-Western accent and make fast assumptions. About how smart you are. Whether they can trust you. Even whether they find you attractive.
The Indian accent gets its own little box. Good with numbers. Suited to certain jobs. Rarely the guy anyone falls for. Socially less celebrated to date. You can be saying something kind and clear, and their bias is already busy mishearing it.
The mistake most men make is not fine tuning the accent a bit if required to suit the environment or overcompensating by completely adopting a new accent which do not complement them.
How your face gets read
This is the heavy one, and the one men have to fight to get taken seriously. The West including fellow South Asian blood, gave South Asian Men a downgrade in matters of social affairs. Painted as soft, harmless, unkept, the safe and slightly foreign guy who is preferred by the least desirable women. Raj, who needed a drink before he could talk to a woman. Apu, there for laughs. The IT guy. The nerd. The sidekick.
So you walk in already answering a script that was written before you were born. And your ethnicity is the first thing read, on your face, in a second, before anyone gets to your humour or your character. This is the real bias, the one you can actually measure.
For years now the dating app data has put South Asian men near the bottom for replies from women of almost every background. South Asian women marry outside the community at nearly twice the rate South Asian men do. That’s not a bad week you imagined. That’s a current you’re swimming against.
And here’s the only honest thing I can tell you about it. You can’t charm your way out of a first glance, and you don’t have to. You’re not going to win an argument with a stranger’s gut reaction in the half second before they swipe. What you can refuse to do is agree with it.
That “sidekick” script only finishes itself when the man starts playing the part. Saying sorry for being there. Shrinking. Acting like wanting someone is rude. The first glance is the headwind. Deciding you’re the sidekick is a choice, and that’s the part that actually sinks you.
So what do you do with it
There are no simple solutions. It is what it is. First of all accept the fact that you will have to work harder than the average westerner.
Work harder in all aspects that matters to your identity and helps you to not be placed in stereotyped quadrant.
My number one suggestion is to develop a gift of the gab as they say. Having a smart and spontaneous mouth really helps even in the most unwelcomed places.
In major global cities, a good style quotient is widely appreciated. So focus on that.
Skin quality – If your skin needs treatment, go for it. Get rids of acnes, worn out skin texture, and most importantly dark circles.
What we trying to do is breaking away from the box the South Asian Men are put in.
If all this feels too much, or unnecessary then good luck to you.
Another very important advice, pick your channels/platforms to meet and mingle with women very wisely. Not all channels are suited for you. Use channels and platforms where your strengths are enhanced and you are given a chance to represent yourself.
You will relate to the following post too.
Leave a Reply