This particular post is contributed by my client Vishaal Reddy..
I was never great with women. Although I did have a girlfriend in college and go on a few dates after, I attributed it mostly to luck. I knew there was something fundamentally wrong with how I was approaching the world of women. It took me several years (and a couple of interactions with a dating coach) to understand the fundamental flaw in what I was doing wrong.
Picture this, it’s Friday evening, you’re grabbing drinks with the gang, 90’s music playing in the background, you’re laughing at something stupid your buddy said … life’s good! You notice a cute girl sitting by the bar with her friend. You want to go talk to her but you don’t know what to say. You start rehearsing in your head, thinking of one liners and wondering how she’d react. After one more drink you tell yourself as you order another beer. Every few minutes you glance over, hoping you get the courage to go over. In the end you find yourself feeling frustrated as she gets up to leave. Sound familiar?
Or imagine this, you’re working on a ppt at the local Starbucks. A pretty girl sits down next to you and sips on her coffee while she opens up her laptop. You have to get her number you tell yourself as you try to avoid eye contact with her. You muster up some courage and say hi. You ask her where she’s from, what she’s working on and anything else to keep the conversation going. She replies with a smile and you end up asking for her number to stay in touch. She politely gives it to you and you’re brimming inside! That is until you get home and find out that the number’s fake. You wonder what went wrong, picturing how you could have engaged better and making yourself feel miserable in the process.
Both the situations have two things in common.
- They’re both outcome dependent. “I have to get this girl interested in me otherwise I’ve failed”. “I have to get her number or else I’m not a man”. The pressure you put on yourself drives you into your own head which inadvertently creates the second issue.
- You’re not enjoying the present moment. Women are beautiful creatures filled with feminine charm and allure. When you don’t make things only about you and when you get out of your head, something magical happens. Women can sense the presence of a man who in that moment is thinking about nothing else except how attractive she is and they respond to it.
Fast forward a couple of years and I’m back in Starbucks. A pretty and petite girl walks in. Despite being a morbidly hot afternoon, she’s all decked up and clearly on a date with the boy she’s with. I catch a good look at her as she stands a few meters ahead of me deciding what to order. She’s wearing a pink skirt and white heels. Her nails are pink as well and so is her clip which makes her shoulder length hair fall entirely on her left. I see her smile as she leans over the counter to grab her drink.
In that moment, I had no other intention except to observe the beauty that is her. I felt my physical self drawn to her. Right then, she turns towards me, gazes into my eyes and gives me this mischievous, seductive, secretive smile before looking down and heading back out.
You don’t need to have a fun flirtatious moment with a stranger to call it a success. When you switch from an outcome driven approach to just observing and appreciating that feminine charm, things start to change. Your body feels lighter, you end up grinning more and most importantly end up getting out of your head. And guess what? women start to notice.
You won’t find this pull towards every woman of course. Each person has their own tastes, mannerisms and personas that they find attractive. For those who you do gravitate towards, observe the little things about her which make her beautiful without getting into your head and without any judgement.
The more you do this, the more you start getting attracted to that feminine energy all women possess. Your journey with women becomes so much more enjoyable and fun. You start appreciating each step and in doing so, so many opportunities almost magically open up. That’s what it’s all about!