“How do I take the conversation from casual to flirty?”
“How can I not end up in friendzone after I make a small talk with a girl?”
The above two questions or versions of it are the most common cries of guys, who contact me.
And certainly it was for me, for a long time.
In fact my early years were more devoted to find better ways, to change the fabric of the conversation from casual to something more, man to woman kind.
Even now when I see screenshots of guys texting girls, it’s a similar pattern of talking everything, but way away from any hint of flirtatious exchange or conveying that he finds her attractive.
It seems that, there is a subconscious hesitation to cross the bridge. I would rather call it a dread. I mean, the uncertainty of what exist on other side of the bridge, just hold guys back.
(Important sidenote: For me now, this idea of bridge does not exist. The polarizing aspect of man to woman is embedded in me as a default state. It comes out in the way I look at girls, smile and my overall vibe. Having said that, before I came to this state, I did went through the process of crossing the bridge in various different ways. And it’s just unfair, if I don’t address, crossing the bridge topic).
Rather than suggesting the “right way” to cross this bridge of casual small or even meaningful talk to polarizing/flirtatious exchange, I prefer reflecting on the process I went through.
The first time, I got a whiff of turning a casual conversation to a stage where there is a possibility of chemistry and intimacy, as a necessary element, was when I ended up not meeting this pretty girl again, after we chatted for few hours by a chance meeting at starbucks. And in hindsight, I know for a fact, that girl invited herself to get into my space.
I wonder for many days, “How is this possible? this girl told me everything about her life and had such a personal interaction with me and yet she is elusive.”
Offcourse this led me to few YouTube videos of dating coaches and even some articles on the subject of being ‘man to woman’. And that’s when it hit me, my lack of polarizing attitude, which comes out, in my interactions with girls is leading to “no see again” outcomes.
So I decided, henceforth, while talking to girls, I would embed certain words, phrases, etc to change the track of interactions. For example, use of words like “boyfriend”, “girlfriend”, “romance”, “tinder” etc so that flavour of the interaction changes to “polarised” nature.
I remember this one instance, I ended up on the same table of a random girl in cafe, and naturally we started talking. At one point, she said “I travel to different cities”, to which I replied “It must be difficult to manage different boyfriends in each city”.
Just to change the track from “where are you from?” kind of things to dating related stuff. Well she certainly did not buy into it 😂.
However, at the time, I was not internally seamless about it. But with time as I became more comfortable about the idea of talking to girls in more man to woman way, I started saying strong things as early as possible in the interaction.
Another instance, I vividly remember; As the case usually goes with me, I and some random girl, were seated next to each other in Starbucks. Within a minute, I asked her “Do you come here often?”, She replied “Now a days yes, what about you?” I was like, “Sometimes, whenever I want to meet girls”. She was taken aback but probe further, “What do you mean?”, I nonchalantly replied “Meet girls to find a girlfriend and I am glad you look like one”. Now she was shocked, with eyes widen and brows raised. Anyways, in this case the other side of bridge was well received.
So to put in perspective, in my case, the crossing of bridge was a strong conscious choice.
Initially, as I embarked on adding more polarity in face of certain words/phrases, there was always this twinge of nervousness, a feeling of what she will think or how she will react.
However with time, I relaxed and started enjoying crossing the bridge, in a way I reflected above.
I don’t recollect, worrying much about the way to cross the bridge.
Having said that, pick up artist community has no shortage of information on how to turn a casual conversation sexual.
Personally to me, this information is helpful only in certain context. And these context are dynamics.
If I want to add any literature on this topic from purely point of view of knowledge, I would say, the sooner you transition the better and at the same time it should be contextual to the interaction.
Some or more than some girls, won’t appreciate your change of track, but if you always remain casual to avoid some casualties, be rest assured, you will always be a friend to girls.
Now, as I mentioned above on a sidenote, this bridge doesn’t really exist.
For me “man to woman” vibe is condensed in my first look, smile and the way I say “Hi, what’s your name?”. Not with every girl, but with very few.
With most women, it starts casual and remains it thay way. May be it gets personal and playful with as minutes go by.