I have been a dating coach in India for 8 years now. I have lost count of number of men I have coached over these years. I have had fortunate opportunities to coach men of all age groups (17 -50) and across different socio-economic hierarchies with diverse upbringing.
However, my maximum coaching involved men who came from a place of Social Poverty.
Social Poverty is the term I developed as a way to describe the lack of social access to women, either while growing up or currently or both. Social Poverty means a person is in a place in life or always has been where he does not/didn’t have social channels/access to meet and mingle with girls/women. These channels may include through social circles, university or work, and lifestyle.
What about online channels like apps?
Well, there was a brief phase where a small segment of men coming from social poverty could favorably use these online channels. But we all know that their time has run out.
As I mentioned earlier, I have coached many guys coming from a place of Social Poverty, and I have first hand seen the handicaps these guys suffer in EVERY sense to facilitate their dating and mating life. I have also coached men coming from a place of social abundance, and I have witnessed the time taken to reach a certain point for these men is much lesser compared to a guy having social poverty.
I want to first go into nuances of the kind of negative impact social poverty has in a man’s life in the context of dating, sex and relationship life.. Many people, including dating coaches, don’t appreciate the handicaps of social poverty that play out in real time.
The major issue is with men who grew up in a social poverty and continue to live in it. These men are the most vulnerable to misinformation and misleading knowledge about navigating the landscape of dating, sex and relationships.
They have the most impatient mindset, thereby seeking shortcuts, methods, and techniques to woo women into their life. They carry a default energy of predator in urgency (unknowingly), which negatively affects any outward efforts they put to get somewhere with girls.
The men with social poverty of past and present lack basic social sense of what is reasonable way to meet and mingle with women; thereby leading them to step in lowest social denominator environment to possibly mingle with women.
In my experiences working with clients of deep social poverty, I have found the mindset and philosophy they carry to facilitate their dating and sex life is narrow-minded, selfish, and unkind to a degree. I won’t blame them because for years, they had no opportunities to create their own social world. However, difficulty lies in turning that around.
Let me not forget about the map they carry within themselves to navigate women. Without exception, I have seen with these guys that the map they believe in is froth with faulty paths. I tend to figure it out in their questions to me.. Imagine a person asking you a general question like, “How to make money?” without any contexts. I get similar questions from these guys.
That doesn’t mean they are not sincere or mean harm; it’s just that the povertiness has made them like that, and they know no other way, plus they are more suspectible to misguided information and knowledge which further damages their worldview.
Covid did play a role in aggravating social poverty in general.
The curse in social poverty lies in what it does to a man’s mindset and philosophy, making them vulnerable to the lowest denominator way of thinking to meet and mingle with women. The curse lies in the predator energy these men develop because of social poverty, thereby worsening their outcomes.
In my experience as a coach, the worst part is the lack of patience to learn skills, to develop themselves, to learn how male-female dynamics work, and to build some social standing. They want a tangible outcome now because social poverty has created a sense of perpetual scarcity.
What about guys who grew up in reasonable social abundance but now due to change of city, lifestyle and work, are caught in newfound social poverty?
Well, with them, it’s still bad initially, but eventually, and quickly, they understand the nuances to re-create the social access. They have a much better mindset in approaching social dynamics, meaning they understand that pitfalls of being in a hurry to get somewhere, they are much less imposing in real time, and offcourse they give out a lot more relax energy in real-time social environments.
The reason I wrote this is to create awareness and manage expectations for guys who want to begin their journey or in the journey to become good with women and eventually come to a place they would like to be, because it takes time.
The journey contrary to what these guys believe requires a lot of internal mindset shifts, change-work, and reframing their worldview, in addition to learning technical skills of approaching, communication, and body language.
I, as a coach, primarily focus on getting these guys out of social poverty mindset and actual social poverty.
I have brief solutions to offer here.
First, understand and accept the perils of coming from a place of social poverty, and the efforts it will take will be a lot more than you imagine.
The time taken in this journey, in my view, is a minimum of 5 months to a year or more. That usually varies from one individual to another depending on the time he has, money he can spend, the city he lives in, the nature of his work, and lifestyle. So, manage expectations accordingly.
Look at your day to day lifestyle, and see how you are spending your non-working time. Is it going to gym, watching stuff on laptops/mobile, commuting, hanging out at a male friends house, etc?
If you are spending a lot of time at gyms, then join gyms like cross fits, aerobics, and calisthenics instead of pure weight training gyms. This change in itself will put you in a position to meet and mingle with new people over the period of time.
If you are spending a lot of your non-working time doing nothing much, then join a non-profit organization as a volunteer. I did that for over a year, and trust me, it was one of the best decisions I made at the time.
Every weekend, at least in Tier 1 cities, there are workshops like learning to brew coffee, wine-tasting, art workshops, etc; participate in those workshops regularly. Not all workshops will be a hit. Some will feel like a waste of time and money. So, keep going.. This is the key.
If you can relocate from a locality that does not give you access to a social vibe to an area that has social energy, that will make a big difference.
If you can work from a co-working space or a cafe, then please do that. However, the locality of the co-working space and cafe really matters. It needs to have some vibe going.
Restro-bars are far and few as of now in India, but if you can find some cool and casual restro-bars, hang out there. Take a company with you or else go alone. Always be by the bar.
Join communities with a long-term view.
Now, the question will arise: How should one conduct himself in those environments?
Be Open to talking to couples, mixed groups and offcourse girls. But don’t limit yourself only talking to girls. Avoid sniper approach.
Follow one basic principle on initiating conversations: Use the present context or moment to come up with something.
Don’t go with the burden of attracting someone, etc. In fact, come across as a decent and easy-going guy.
Invite people, organise get-togethers once you get to know them, especially in environments where you are seeing them again and again.
Avoid forcing interactions, especially in co-working spaces and cafes and gyms. But maximize a nod, a smile, a “hi” from time to time. A simple “Hi” and smile can take you very far. I know this for a fact.
Let me reiterate, Social poverty curse is the primary reason why a man may lack communication skills, a proper understanding of male-female dynamics, and carry heavy energy around girls.
That’s about it in words..