I am in my 8th year as a Dating Coach in India, and engineers have been a constant in my professional life. I have dealt with all sorts of engineers of different branches, with different age groups, cultural backgrounds, and economic abilities.
I have observed certain constant patterns among engineers crop, resulting in them having a rough ride with women and their dating-sexual life.
I wish to place my observations here.
My Observations about why engineers have difficulty with women..
1 – Growing up years
I have observed that by and large engineer’s teen to teenage years are filled with studying and not mingling much socially. The pressure to end up in a good engineering college begins in the later part of the school itself. This pressure leads them to focus on books and avoid the “distraction” in the form of socializing. In addition to that, a lot of these boys are in an ecosystem where there are hardly any opportunities to mingle with girls. Some of these families may also have the added pressure of getting out of the current economic position, and this creates a burden on the boy to focus 100 percent on books.
Their years at engineering college go in the absence of a good ratio of girls. While some branches of certain engineering colleges may have the presence of a few girls, but again there is a lack of social mindset and character among these girls and boys. Imagine 4 to 5 years of their life early teenage life of these boys goes in the absence of girls. These years are quite impressionable years of human social-sexual development aspect of their character. It is at this time that a boy brains wires in the context of communication with the opposite sex. However, they are robbed of this development stage, largely by the nature of things.
What happens eventually is that these boys develop a faulty map on how to navigate the dynamics of dating, Sex and romance.
2- Faulty Map.
As a coach, I have interacted with the faulty maps of the engineers all the time.
We all have a map on how to navigate a certain aspect of life, be it finances, health, family, dating, etc. Sometimes, these maps are running on a subconscious, and sometimes we are consciously acting, reacting, and responding.
What I have gathered over the years is that almost all of them have a faulty map about how to relate to women as a man, how to relate oneself sexually, male-female dynamics, how attraction works, etc.. Some of them don’t even know how a particular map got formed in them, while others developed a map by watching movies, listening to women, reading books, watching YouTube videos, and Instagram reels.
A small segway; a map is like a users manual. In real time, we act and respond consciously or subconsciously based on the map we carry.
The side effects of a faulty map can be catastrophic. A guy goes in the land of women to get girls, and along the way, he encounters some issues that he thinks, it needs to be fixed. However, the issues are arising by following a faulty map, and hence, issues itself are wrong. The whole map has to be discarded.
A common example is that a guy thinks he has approached anxiety because in his day to day life, he sees many girls, but he is unable to approach according to him. This issue is arising out of a faulty map, which says that a man must be able to approach women anywhere. However, in real-world social dynamics, approaching a random stranger person (especially a woman by a man) is a lot more contextual based on culture, reputation of the city, environments, social atmosphere, underlying narrative of the moment, social psychology, and it includes other nuances also.
Hence, trying to fix the issue of plain approach anxiety is itself wrong.
The most challenging part of my work is identifying the elements faulty map and replacing it with an appropriate map. It’s like telling them they were living a lie.
3- Lack of Social ecosystem.
Early years of engineers haunts them in a way they didn’t imagine. At this stage, they are working, making money. However, they don’t have a social circle or a social ecosystem with a proper channel to meet and mingle with girls.
This lack of social ecosystem is a result of a lack of social culture with a healthy ratio of girls while they were in their teen to teenage years.
One of the best channels to meet a new person, especially a woman, is through other people. However, in the world of engineers, this channel rarely exists.
Even their work environment is mostly filled with other dudes.
In addition to that, I have observed that engineers are less savy to create a new social ecosystem. It’s a game they have never played before. So they seem lost.
The online channels have come to the rescue of people with a lack of social ecosystem. But we all know how’s the apps are fading.
I have coined a term for this phenomenon: Social Poverty.
4- The way their brain is wired.
In my view, the major obstacle for engineers in order to be good with women is the way they process information in their day to day life.
My biggest challenge as a coach has been to change the way they look at the landscape of male-female dynamics.
Engineers see this issue no different from them facing an issue while interacting with some robots or machine. In their world, if they are facing challenge in talking to girls, then they think and believe that there are script/method/tools/codes that they can get access to and practice it enough with those tools, it will resolve the issue. Which is obviously not how it works.
Unfortunately, they are unaware and unable to easily comprehend if informed that with women, the abstract elements of a man matter more than the tangible aspects. A man’s worldview, his subconscious beliefs system, his energy, how he relates to female gender in general, his relationship with sexuality, how he relates to himself in the context of women are some of the abstract elements that get packaged in a man’s eyes and the way he talks and conducts himself around women.
Engineers don’t appreciate that we leak out an underlying message all the time, which is more important than the actual message, and women pay more attention to the underlying message.
For them, the only world exists is that which is measurable and tangible. For example, the content of what a man can say to a woman. That’s why all of them wonder what topics to talk to a woman, how to sequence a conversation, the content of an opening line, steps to escalate, etc.. Which is incomplete and hence wrong.
The nuances of metamessaging, subcommunication, non-verbal communication, the way of speaking, and the way of looking are some of the elements the engineers should start focusing on.
5- A sense of hurry/urgency.
The last point is the sense of hurry to have women in their life.
The energy that is emanating when a guy is in a hurry is self-defeating. They come across as invasive, non-present, heavy, unintelligent, and apologetic around women.
They feel a sense of lost time that they need to make up for in their mid 20s and later.
Unfortunately, there is no easy solution to compensate for missing out.