Before diving into the heart of the topic, let me clarify what I mean by the term “confident.”
In this context, confidence is the ability to express oneself freely with a woman, someone who is grounded in a strong conviction about what and how one represents. It also means being free from shame or guilt regarding one’s emotions, instincts, and desires—both about himself and about the woman.
The above paragraph can be perfectly summarized in the following clip from the movie ‘Taxi Driver’.
Watch how the male character expresses himself – what he felt about her colleague, and about their connection. He is unapologetic, and has a sense of conviction in his voice.
Re-watch it again if you have to.
Now, this begets the question: how can one develop the ability to express oneself freely, sound so full of conviction, and make a woman drawn to you?
There are answers, but they are not easy solutions.
It starts with adopting the necessary mindsets.
Let me list out the mindsets:
- Expressing myself is one way of respecting myself.
- There is nothing to be ashamed of in how I see and feel about something or someone.
- Expressing myself will lead her to open up to me.
- If I do not express myself, then nothing positive may come out of it.
Adapting and internalizing these mindsets, will gradually take shape and form. Do not be in hurry to push these mindsets deep within you.
How can one develop this inner certainity and a sense of conviction?
Honestly, men now a days do not live a life that drives inner certainity, or allows them to carry a sense of conviction within themselves.
Why do I say this?
The number one reason is the disconnection with oneself and the moment.
If I use the above example again to drive this point, Al-Pacino (the male character) was so strongly tuned in to how he was feeling. He was also tuned in to how he felt about the connection between him and her, as well as the colleague’s vibe with her.
What you heard in the clip wasn’t just bunch of lines he was spinning out . It was true to him. (Granted, that this is a movie, and not real-life)
That’s where the conviction comes in; when it feels true to us.
This even applies when you see a girl for the first time and know you should approach her; when you feel you should invite her on a date; when you lean in to kiss her; when you feel like taking her home the same night; when you ask her to be your wife, etc.
To the outside world, they label it as confidence. But it is actually a sense of conviction and an inner certainity that what and how you are representing has weight and meaning for you.
You may wonder, can this happen in real-life with you?
Of course, what’s alien about it? It may seem alien to you now, as you read this, either because you cannot recall feeling so connected to the moment like the man in the above clip, or it was a one-off thing.
So how do we get such confidence with a woman? How do we become a man of conviction with women?
As I said earlier, we are disconnected from that inner knowing when it comes to involving other people. You have to move from being disconnected to connected.
Start practicing being connected to the moment with close friends and family members.
Let me add another video clip from a movie to show a man with inner certainity.
Yes, it’s a movie, not a real-life. But still, a visual reference helps. And this level of inner certainity is quite realistic.
Watch how he replies, “Nah, you don’t”, to her comment, “I have a boyfriend”.
How can a man be so certain spontaneously?
By being FULLY attentive. Of course, this requires real-time work.
Being fully attentive means you can see, listen, and sense beneath the spoken words and actions. It’s only through that awareness that he could have countered her made-up resistance of, “I have a boyfriend.”
(An important clarification: The above clip is NOT an example of how to overcome the “I have a boyfriend” test).
Unfortunately, most of what is written above requires in-field work.
The last part is to get rid of shame and guilt associated with emotions, feelings, being expressive, and sometimes being wrong about your instincts.
I have an inner-reframing course of four online sessions focused on doing the inner work, which also includes overcoming shame and guilt. The link is added below.
I have two posts to share with you from my wayofmen sub-reddit, relating to the topic you just read.