Just the other day, my client called me, sounding worried and disappointed. His anxiety was skyrocketing because he was about to meet a girl for the first time the next day to explore a serious relationship. They had been talking on the phone for a week, but now the anticipation was getting to him.

When I asked what was making him anxious, he said, “My mind keeps telling me she might find me boring, unsocial, or even think I’m not a nice person.”

I asked, “So how are you deciding for her what she’ll think about you?”

He hesitated before saying, “I don’t know… I just feel like that’s how people see me.”

Sensing where this was coming from, I dug deeper. “Do you see yourself as boring, socially withdrawn, and not a nice person?”

In a softer tone, he admitted, “Yeah.”

I told him, “You’re projecting your own self-perception onto her. In doing so, you’re not even giving her a chance to form her own opinion about you. Is that really fair to her?”

He paused—and then, he understood.

As a dating coach, I’ve worked with many men whose biggest struggle wasn’t external—it was the internal dialogue running in their minds. These voices are often negative, disconnected from reality, and shaped by flawed conditioning or past experiences. While positive voices exist too, the unfavorable ones tend to dominate. When it comes to attraction, courting, dating, these internal narratives can make the journey especially difficult, creating a painful and often discouraging experience.