Audio Version below:
I’m often asked, “What’s the ONE piece of advice you’d give men to effortlessly connect with women?” My usual response is, “There isn’t just one—I wouldn’t want to oversimplify it.”
But the other day, while discussing attraction with a client, something clicked. I found myself saying, “It all comes down to subcommunication—the underlying message you convey.” Whether on dating apps or in real-life interactions, in conversations or through texting, subcommunication shapes the entire dynamic.
At that moment, I realized—if I had to pick just one key piece of advice, this would be it.
So what is subcommunication? Well, in the context of what we are speaking, it is an underlying message we knowingly or unknowingly/consciously or unconsciously convey to women in various ways. The underlying message not only communicates about onself, but it can also make a woman intrigued about a man even when she was not looking to be because the subcommunication of a man is so refreshing to her. That’s the interesting bit here.
Let me give you two examples: One of negative subcommunication and other one of positive subcommunication.
Consider the way you look at a woman you’re interested in at work. If you frequently steal glances but never initiate direct communication, you may be subcommunicating uncertainty, hesitation, or a lack of confidence. These underlying messages influence how she perceives your attractiveness, often more than the words you say. In essence, subcommunication defines you in that moment and shapes the way she thinks and feels about you.
Let’s take a positive subcommunication example;
A man stands at the bar, casually enjoying his time. Beside him are two women who, by conventional standards, may not be considered highly attractive and are rarely approached by men. Meanwhile, other women in the bar are engaged in their own conversations.
At some point, the man strikes up a lively conversation with the two women next to him, giving them his full attention. He shares laughter, flirts playfully, and even exchanges numbers before they eventually leave. Throughout this interaction, he exudes confidence, ease, and a genuine appreciation for feminine energy, without concern for social validation.
Observing this from across the bar, an attractive woman becomes intrigued. She sees a man who isn’t shallow, who enjoys the presence of women without pretense, and who isn’t afraid to stand out. Drawn to his energy, she makes her way to the bar, positioning herself nearby in a way that subtly invites him to engage with her.
In this moment, the man has subcommunicated something powerful—he is socially adept, comfortable around women of all kinds, and, most importantly, someone who values connection beyond surface-level attraction. To the onlooker, he stands out as a rare, refreshing presence in a sea of predictable interactions.
The key traits of a man who effectively subcommunicates in attraction context are rooted in his relationship with himself as a masculine, sexual being. He has no ambiguity about this aspect of himself and isn’t afraid to let it naturally exude—while maintaining tact.
He is also unafraid to step into tension that may arise while expressing himself to a woman, embracing it rather than shying away. Another essential quality is his ability to be openly invitational, without hesitation or self-doubt.
An underrated yet crucial trait is the subcommunication of emotional and contextual intelligence. Contextual intelligence is a man’s ability to gauge the right timing and pace for words and actions, whether in texts or social settings. A man who instinctively aligns with the moment—neither rushing ahead nor lagging behind—naturally signals that he “gets it” through his communication, both verbal and non-verbal.
Re-inventing a man’s subcommunication (the underlying message) is rarely worked upon. Most of the work done in the name dating coaching is shallow and superficial.
A man must be willing to get his hands dirty, face the heat, and challenge his ego to develop an attractive and magnetic subcommunication.
Through my years of coaching men in the field, I’ve learned that most men’s default subcommunication lacks the power to intrigue women. It is shaped by their conditioning, the environment they grew up in, and the mix of experiences they’ve had.