Audio Version below:
Just the other day, my client called me, sounding worried and disappointed. His anxiety was skyrocketing because he was about to meet a girl for the first time the next day to explore a serious relationship. They had been talking on the phone for a week, but now the anticipation was getting to him.
When I asked what was making him anxious, he said, “My mind keeps telling me she might find me boring, unsocial, or even think I’m not a nice person.”
I asked, “So how are you deciding for her what she’ll think about you?”
He hesitated before saying, “I don’t know… I just feel like that’s how people see me.”
Sensing where this was coming from, I dug deeper. “Do you see yourself as boring, socially withdrawn, and not a nice person?”
In a softer tone, he admitted, “Yeah.”
I told him, “You’re projecting your own self-perception onto her. In doing so, you’re not even giving her a chance to form her own opinion about you. Is that really fair to her?”
He paused—and then, he understood.
As a coach, I’ve worked with many clients whose biggest struggle wasn’t external—it was the internal dialogue running in their minds. These voices are often negative, ego-driven, disconnected from reality, and shaped by flawed conditioning or past experiences. While positive voices exist too, the unfavorable ones tend to dominate. When it comes to attraction and dating, these internal narratives can make the journey especially difficult, creating a painful and often discouraging experience.
Let me list some of the most common voices come up in men’s head, and ways to manage it.
“I hope I am not coming across as Creepy” or something along these lines.
This is one of the most common voices in a man’s subconscious, often surfacing in the presence of an attractive woman. Society has ingrained the word creepy into men’s minds as a way to impose limits on them. In my experience, many men don’t fully understand what creepy truly means or what it actually means to “creep a woman out”—and that’s the real issue. How can someone manage this internal voice if they don’t even grasp its true meaning?
Making a woman uncomfortable—creeping her out—usually happens when a man’s expressions or behavior (especially in a sexual context) are ambiguous or when his actions contradict the natural dynamic between him and the woman. The key to managing this internal voice is to understand what women genuinely perceive as creepy. Then, reflect on your past interactions to assess whether any of your behaviors align with those perceptions. Unless you have concrete evidence to the contrary, assume you are not a creep at all.
“Am I good enough for women (or a particular woman) to find me attractive?”
Many men struggle with self-doubt about their worthiness, particularly in the realm of attraction and relationships. While this doubt may have some basis in reality for certain individuals—since attraction often involves assessing what one brings to the table—many men misjudge what women actually find appealing.
The problem is that many men hold a negative perception of themselves in the context of dating, leading them to reject themselves before even giving others a chance to form an opinion. This self-rejection fosters the very doubt they struggle with.
The key to overcoming this voice is gaining a clear understanding of what truly matters in attraction and dating, both generally and specifically for the women they are interested in. Many men have been misled by false narratives about what it means to be desirable. Once they learn what genuinely holds value, their self-doubt will either be disproven or validated. If validated, they can then focus on self-improvement in meaningful ways, rather than operating under misguided assumptions.
“Does she like me?” or something along these lines.
Many men are deeply obsessed with this voice, while others restrain themselves because of it. They hold back in different ways and at various stages of life. The uncertainty it brings is often given undue importance—yet, it’s entirely unnecessary.
This voice often emerges when a man and a woman are engaging in some form of communication. Men can become entangled with a particular woman because of it, reaching a point where they overanalyze and dissect every detail about her. This excessive analysis begins to shape their actions and thought process, ultimately draining their energy.
Imagine if this voice didn’t exist—how would a man handle his expressions? He would likely be unapologetic, quick to express himself, and more in tune with his true self.
The key to managing this voice is to replace it with a simple question: “Is she open to my presence?” That alone is enough. If a woman is receptive to your presence, express yourself freely. Of course, it’s important to be mindful of the intensity of your expression, especially in the beginning.
The constant chatter of “Does she like me?” can be endless and confusing, often leading to unnecessary emotional strain and a high price to pay.
I have enlisted only 3 common voices, but you may have more and other voices that comes up in your head.
Speaking from my experience, these voices often stem from multiple sources, making it difficult to pinpoint their origins. However, the most common source is the environments where people engage in the courting game. Sometimes, these voices reflect reality, while other times, they are exaggerated or misguided.
I believe the most effective way to manage these voices is to educate oneself on the nuances of male-female attraction dynamics from a broader, more holistic perspective. By doing so, you can analyze these voices within your own well-informed framework, shaped by your understanding and knowledge.
I hope this helps..