Insecurities can have a powerful effect on how a man behaves around women.

Height. Skin tone. Ethnicity. Hair loss. Body shape. The way you speak.

Sometimes the insecurity is largely in your head. Sometimes there is a genuine disadvantage underneath it. And sometimes it’s a mixture of both.

As a dating coach for men, I have worked with many men — particularly South Asian men — who carry insecurities about characteristics they believe make them less attractive to women.

I understand this personally.

I grew up with a physical characteristic that affected something fundamental to social interaction: my voice.

And my experience taught me a very different way of looking at insecurity.

A little bit about me, for context

I was born with a cleft palate.

I had an opening in the roof of my mouth, which is normally closed at birth. I had to undergo multiple surgeries to close it.

But my voice was affected for life.

My pronunciation wasn’t always clear, and to a minor extent, it still isn’t today. My voice also had a nasal twang. So sometimes, it took some effort for others to clearly understand what I was saying.

Growing up, I became very conscious of speaking.

Especially socially.

I was insecure about how I would sound and how I would come across. I was scared that people would make fun of me.

And some did.

So for the most part, I kept to myself — both in school and university.

But boy, I liked girls.

I wanted to express myself around them and with them.

But my insecurity kept getting in the way. So I held myself back while my friends played around.

Fast forward to today.

I have been a Men’s Dating and Transformation Coach for over nine years.

So how did I go from being insecure about speaking because of my voice to coaching and facilitating men’s growth — which includes helping them become better at interacting with women?

Unfortunately, for men who understand the world through blueprints, I don’t have a straightforward solution.

Nor do I have motivational words about how you should simply stop being insecure.

I have a much more practical answer.

But first, there is something important to understand about insecurity.

Sometimes, the insecurity isn’t entirely in your head

A man may be insecure about his short height, skin colour, ethnicity, receding hairline, voice, or something else.

He may feel that women will find him less appealing because of it.

And some of the factors behind our insecurities are outside our control. There may not be much we can directly do about them.

People often say:

“It’s all in your head.”

I don’t entirely agree.

In my view, it’s a grey area.

It depends on the context and the environment in which we live and interact.

A particular characteristic may barely matter in one environment while creating a genuine disadvantage in another.

At the same time, our minds can magnify that disadvantage far beyond its actual importance.

In my case, there was something tangible underneath my insecurity.

My imperfect voice affected how people heard and understood me.

I couldn’t simply convince myself that it didn’t exist.

Which brings me to the practical answer.

Compensate

I have come to believe that one useful way of dealing with a disadvantage is to build other layers to your personality.

When I say compensate, I don’t mean hiding the weakness.

I don’t mean pretending it doesn’t exist.

I mean becoming a more multidimensional man.

A good example would be developing a certain swag. It’s difficult to define precisely, but you know it when you see it.

Another example could be developing a more light-hearted attitude towards yourself and life.

There are many such layers:

Presence. Social intelligence. Humour. Style. Grooming. Expressiveness. Curiosity. Playfulness. The ability to make people feel comfortable around you.

The good thing is that anyone can add layers to their personality.

Some take relatively little time — your style quotient and grooming, for example.

The layers that count for more usually take longer because there is an element of inner work involved.

You cannot buy presence.

You cannot put on genuine social ease in the morning like a jacket.

These things are developed through experience and conscious work.

I didn’t eliminate the disadvantage. I built around it.

My voice never became perfect.

But as I developed layers around my personality, my voice became a small part of what I represented.

I didn’t eliminate the disadvantage. I built a personality bigger than the disadvantage.

Why not simply fix the thing you’re insecure about?

Certainly, if you can eliminate or significantly improve the factor causing your insecurity, you should work on it.

For example, if you are insecure about your body shape, then yes — work out, get in shape, and improve it.

It will help for sure.

But I don’t think that alone is a permanent solution.

Because over the course of your life, a new insecurity may develop.

And some factors simply cannot be fixed.

That’s the hard truth.

Which is why I don’t think the answer is to spend your entire life trying to reach a point where you have nothing left to feel insecure about.

Fix what you can. Build around what remains.

Today, when a man tells me about something he is deeply insecure about, I don’t immediately tell him:

“It’s all in your head.”

Maybe it is.

Maybe it isn’t.

Usually, reality is more complicated.

My approach is much more practical:

Fix what is reasonably fixable.
Improve what can be improved.
Build around what remains.
Add layers to yourself.
Become more multidimensional.
And most importantly, continue participating in life while you’re doing it.

About Pratik J

Pratik Jain, is an international Dating and Transformation Coach for South Asian Men. He primarily works with men to reinvent themselves so they become compelling and desirable, socially and to women. Pratik travels across major global cities to work with his clients.