There is something I have observed repeatedly as a dating coach.

A lot of South Asian men are embarrassed to admit that they are getting help with their dating life.

Some clients don’t tell their friends that they are working with me. Some are uncomfortable with their family knowing. And occasionally, even the decision to contact a dating coach comes with a certain amount of shame.

I find this both interesting and understandable

Because the same man may have no problem saying:

“I hired a personal trainer.”
“I have a business coach.”
“I am taking classes to improve my communication.”
“I am working with a therapist.”
But saying, “I am getting help with women and dating” feels different.

Dating is still treated as something a man should naturally know

I think a large part of the embarrassment comes from an unspoken belief:

A man should already know how to attract women.

Nobody explicitly teaches him this. But somehow, he is expected to figure it out.

He should know how to approach a woman.
He should know how to flirt.
He should know when a woman is interested.
He should know how to create attraction.
He should know how to behave on a date.
He should know how to move things forward.

And if he doesn’t?

It can feel less like “I haven’t developed this skill yet” and more like “There is something wrong with me as a man.” That distinction matters.

Dating ability becomes tied to masculine competence

There are many things a man can be bad at without questioning his masculinity.

You can be terrible at tennis and hire a tennis coach.

You can be physically weak and hire a trainer.

You can struggle professionally and find a mentor.

But struggling with women touches something deeper.

For many men, being desired by women becomes connected with being masculine, socially competent and worthy.

So asking for help can feel like admitting a deficiency in an area where he believes a “real man” shouldn’t need help.

That is where shame enters.

South Asian men have another complication

Many South Asian men grow up in environments where dating itself isn’t openly discussed.

You can spend your teenage years being told:

Focus on your studies. Build your career. Don’t get distracted. Relationships can come later.

And then suddenly, somewhere in your twenties or thirties, the expectation changes. Now you are supposed to know how relationships work.

You are supposed to meet women.
You are supposed to understand attraction.
You are supposed to choose a partner.
You are supposed to get married.

But when exactly were you supposed to learn all of this?

For many men, there was very little room to experiment, fail, learn and develop socially when they were younger. Some of them, were in male-dominated ecosystem with almost no access to women socially.

Yet they judge themselves for not possessing abilities they were never encouraged to develop.

There is also fear of how other men will see them

This is something I don’t think we talk about enough. Sometimes the embarrassment isn’t about women.

It is about other men.

Imagine telling a group of male friends:
“I hired someone to help me become better with women.”

For some men, that feels humiliating.

Because male groups can be unforgiving around sexual and romantic competence.

Men exaggerate their experiences. They joke. They tease. They pretend to know more than they actually do.

And this creates an illusion that everyone else has figured it out.

So the man who is struggling quietly assumes he is the exception.

He isn’t.

But I have noticed another pattern

There is another observation from my years of coaching that I find particularly interesting.

The embarrassment doesn’t necessarily decrease as a man’s socioeconomic status increases.

In my own client base, I have often seen the opposite.

Some of the men I have worked with from the highest socioeconomic backgrounds are extremely private about working with me.

Their friends don’t know. Nobody in their social circle knows.

And they have no intention of telling them.

On the other hand, I have had men from more middle-class backgrounds who have been relatively more open about it.

A few have told their friends that they are working with a dating coach.

Some have even referred their friends to me.

I want to be careful here.

This is an observation from my own coaching practice. I don’t have enough evidence to claim that this is universally true of South Asian men or that socioeconomic status itself causes the difference.

But I have seen the pattern often enough to find it worth thinking about.

Why would a man with greater money, exposure and social status sometimes feel more uncomfortable admitting that he is getting help with dating?

Well, I think it’s a reputation protection. In those circles, seeking a help from a dating coach is neither usual nor celebrated. Not yet.

Are they actually protecting their reputation, or are they giving up the opportunity to be role models for other men like them?

I think it’s the latter. Be that as may.

The irony is that many men are already trying to learn

They are watching videos. Reading Reddit. Following dating accounts. Asking friends what message they should send. Downloading dating apps repeatedly. Analysing conversations with women. Searching things at 2 a.m. that they would never comfortably discuss with another person.

So it isn’t that they don’t want help. They often do.
They just want to receive it without having to identify themselves as someone who needs help.
And perhaps that is what the embarrassment is really protecting.Not just privacy.

Identity.

I don’t think every man needs a dating coach

And I certainly don’t think hiring one should become another status symbol.

Some men figure these things out naturally through friendships, relationships, social environments and experience.

But some don’t.

And if you have repeatedly struggled with something for years, there is nothing particularly masculine about continuing to struggle alone just so nobody knows.

Sometimes competence comes naturally.
Sometimes competence is built deliberately.
Dating is no different.

Perhaps the more interesting question isn’t:

“Why would a man need a dating coach?”

It is:

“Why does a man feel ashamed to admit that there is an important part of his life he hasn’t figured out yet?”

And perhaps, for some men, the more successful they appear to be, the harder that admission becomes.

About the Author:

Pratik Jain, is an international Dating and Transformation Coach for South Asian Men. He primarily works with men to reinvent themselves so they become compelling and desirable, socially and to women. Pratik travels across major global cities to work with his clients.