I remember this very vividly; I was looking at a girl and smiling at her. She too was looking at me/towards me side-eye, not to make it obvious (Girls usually do that). A moment came, when she made a call from her phone. At that very moment, I caught my mind thinking that she is making a call to somebody, talking about me, looking at her. For few seconds, I looked down, hiding myself in a book laying on my lap; until I regain my composure and saw her again. Few minutes after that, she got up to leave, but before leaving, she smiled at me back.
And yes, my mind was wrong on her calling someone to inform about me.
But, that led me to think, why my mind, instant and default thought was a possible social embarrassment? And how many times, this happens unknowingly, taking away all the good possibilities?
The more conscious, civilize and evolve we humans become, the more weight social shame carries in our subconscious mind. As a kid growing up, we are made embarassed by playful teasing (especially for boys) if we are naked.
Remember being called “Shame!Shame!”.
Social embarrassment is a big deal to us. It affects our psyche in deepest possible ways. And naturally our mind gets wired to avoid it at all cost.
However, unfortunately or fortunately, at least in land of women, boys become men, when they go past the fear of Social embarrassment.
Men are always afraid of one thing; and that is to be label as *creepy* by women. And women know that, so sometimes they use this word to test a man.
Most social embarrassments, is imagined or wrongly accounted. For instance, if a man is caught checking out a woman by the particular woman, and if her instant reaction is narrowing of her eyebrows, he assumes, that is a negative reaction, which may lead to serious social embarrassment. This is a case of imagined or wrongly accounted social cost.
But beyond that, the real challenge is to overcome a sense of social shame as a man in the land of women. Until then, a man will never able to fulfill his masculine expression.
And this must be done in real time. We must watch ourselves, while we are around women, on what feels true to us as a man, what are we holding back, how are minds chatter looks like, the conditioning of it. Examine those voices, reflect on effects it has on you in real time, challenge them.
Sometimes, we know the appropriate thing at that moment is to check the girl out unapologetically, but we can’t bring ourselves to go past our inner anxious emotions in real time.
It is our work, somehow to go past that.
However, one must not forget, in process of overcoming social shyness, one must not lose social grace.
Pick up artist usually becomes victim of this.
Social Grace is about having respect for other person world at the moment. You may be confident enough to approach a girl in the middle of room or in a packed metro train, but the chances of that girl being comfortable enough to receive your attention, may be too low.
Now, one may argue the difficulty in finding the sweet spot between being unapologetic socially, yet restoring the social grace.
Offcourse I say. But the beauty of a man lies who is rooted in balance.