Reframing ‘Rejection’…

Reject in literal sense means to ‘cast away’ which has been further evolved (in 1530’s) into ‘throw away as undesirable’. But the impact of being rejected has repercussions in human’s bones that no literal phrase can encapsulate it.

We live in a world where idealistic living is imposed on people. There is this constant narrative surrounding rejection: we should overcome feeling of rejection, we should never allow rejection to make us feel low, if others reject us that reflect on them and not on us, etc. Well, this sounds all perfect, but imagine being outcast as a human being and impact it can have on human psyche.

Let me take this further, after all this post is written by a Dating Coach; a man or woman being made to feel undesirable as a sexual being and hence cast away (directly or indirectly) traumatizes the person to the point he/she reconsiders living; rejection carries a natural weight of its own which is difficult to escape.

In courtship and mating universe, the feeling of POSSIBLE rejection is palpable. As a coach, I hear the cries of Men all the time that they don’t want to even imagine the moment of rejection. The reason why most men resort to different method, techniques, and styles to mingle with women as a means to attract them is to minimize and avoid the possibility of rejection. And why not…

Let me enlighten readers on something about rejection.

The window of rejection is open only in the event of proposal, offer, request and prayer. One can only reject if he/she is invited to take up something in whatever form.

In dating dynamics, the proposals, offers, requests and prayers are usually inherently structured in our tone, words, vibe and body language, unlike in corporate like scenario where it is explicit.

For example, a guy may take a girl on certain number of dates to get something out of it, implying an subtle proposal or a guy may offer some ears to a girl’s problems hoping to get somewhere with her or a guy may try to smooth talk/smart talk with a girl thinking that she will be impressed and approve of his style which may eventually lead somewhere, implying an inherent prayer or a girl may show her love and care for the guy as a means to convince him to see her as his future wife.

All of the above examples are open to rejection by the other person. Simply because concept of rejection becomes functional when something is put on the table (Implicitly or Explicitly)  in exchange of something.

So in essence you can get rejected only if you put yourself in certain framework (as mentioned above). Beyond these frameworks, rejection cannot be felt.

I know we are conditioned to operate through these framework because in most aspects of life, they help us navigate the real time world.

What about asking, like on a date or something? Doesn’t that fall into realm of rejection if refused?

Well, that depends on the route the person takes before asking.

For instance if a guy asks a girl on date or to be his partner after he played a role of a comforting friend or emotional supporter or whatever else, thinking that will help him gain some brownie points before asking; then the possibility of feeling rejected will be high.

And on the other hand, a guy asks a girl on a date 5 mins after he chatted with her at some place he met her randomly, then her refusing to come on a date with him won’t be seen as rejection or even feel like rejection.

You see, it’s about the Spirit of asking that defines rejection or not.

Having Said all of this, I am here to suggest a rejection free framework.

The framework I am suggesting is to Express and Stating your truth with her. No one can reject your expression of truth, because it is simply yours and you are just putting it out there. Yes there is a hope and wish to land it well.

For Example, a man is a part of some workout sessions on a regular basis at some studio, which is also frequented by a girl who invites this man’s complete attention every time he sees her. His curiosity about her and possible chemistry between them grows to the point where it becomes an obvious thing to express for him.

So One day, after the workout session he simply states his inner world concerning her, “I feel we should get together”. She asks “Why?” He replies “I am curious about you and possibilities between us”.

She may say no and speak her truth which may be that I don’t feel any possibilities between us or I am happily attached. But even though she said No, this doesn’t feel like One rejecting the other, because it is an inter play of stating truth. This is a case of simple mismatch of desires.

I hope you are with me here.

I keep mentioning about Truth above. So, allow me to clarify that I am talking about relative truth, that is felt within us at the moment. Yes it may be fleeting, temporary, innocent but nonetheless in that brief moment of time it is not less than a objective fact. And as you will evolve, your truth will be refined, clear and narrow.

However I am not talking about blunt truth or radical honesty. There is certainly art of framing involved here.

To be able to express as it is, is a task by itself. One has to be in touch with the voice of his primal instinct and then frame that in words in most aligned way.

I want to end this usual than longer post, by a small note on rejection:

Feeling of Rejection is real and it affects people across strata of society. Normalizing Rejection in matters of ‘wanting to be desired’ is not natural order of things. We all want to be validated and seen. Rather, it is wise to change the way you put yourself out there to living with one and only one purpose; to fulfill your highest and most truthful expression and desire for the best.

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