Let me begin with a caveat. My views are limited to experiences I had with men whom I got to interact with and observed as a coach. Of course, there are subset of men who live a different life, have different mindset, story, experiences and never thought of reaching out to people like me. So my learnings are limited, and hence, my understanding.
When I write here about men, it’s in general terms because there are men of different ages, social hierarchies, and experiences about life. So, I would try my best to cover the sweet spot that may apply to most men. I must also point out that I am writing about men through lens of how they relate to the world of women in the context of dating, sex, love, romance, friendship, and relationship context.
They say men only want ‘One Thing’. Well, that’s partly true. Yes, men really want that one thing, but it’s not the only thing. Well, lots of time, yes, but men want the companionship of a woman too. However, somehow, I feel they are not vocal about it, and sometimes, they themselves are unaware of it. This unawareness stems from the narrative of men having multiple women as a way to be that runs in their head.
A man’s relationship to getting laid is strongly tied to his self-worth, ego, and possible pleasure. Unlike women, men have a perpetual desire/want/psychological need to get laid until they are attached legally to someone. Well, with little reluctance, I will admit that after a period of time for more than some men, the need to get laid surpasses any moral principles they begin with. The novelty of women’s shape, features, and vibrancy constantly runs in a man’s mind. According to scientific studies, as quoted in the book the Male Brain, “Men have two and a half times the brain space devoted to Sexual drive in their hypothalamus.” Hence sex plays a major role in a man’s world to be motivated to better himself.
Men have a strong need to seem sexually attractive to most women they encounter; even if the man is not attracted to those women. Hence, in most men’s brains, there is an underlying doubt running in their head while they are talking to most girls, whether they are coming across as likeable or not (in sexual sense too).
Men are a lot more willing to put efforts to learn and understand the art and science of attracting and getting a woman(en) dynamics. But they are quite uninterested in gaining knowledge about managing relationships dynamics. Once they get the girl, they naturally relax.
Men are not wired to see and read the cues of body language, non-verbal communication, and reading between the lines of either genders. Somehow, it seems men natural design does not include the ability to sub communicate or indulge in meta-messaging. I have hardly come across men who are able to pick on nuances of communication of women unless they have put in time and effort to learn it.
Men tend to have a growth mindset. They are usually open to learning from other male. However, around women, they have a tendency to show their knowledge, give solutions to issues at hand, and boast a little. I have always felt that men’s default state is to impress a woman.
This one is a little controversial, but true; a large segment of men who are attached in the sense of being married will not hesitate to indulge in sexual encounters if it came their way. But I also believe that these same men won’t make a proactive and conscious effort to pursue a random sexual encounter. Of course, some will, but most don’t.
Men are very afraid whether their actions may come across as creepy to women. It tends to dominate their self-expression around women. And they don’t want to make any girl/woman feel unsafe (in a literal sense). However, there is a segment of men who are unabashed.
Most men have become apologetic as their natural tendency. They don’t make like Jack Nicholson anymore. Even though I believe being unapologetic (mindfully) is a natural characteristic of a man, most men now a days have moved away from it or they turn up their unapologetic character at the wrong time.
A very good quality, usually men carry, is their ability to face rejection and social embarrassment. Personally, I am of the view that men have thicker skin, and hence are able to put themselves in situations that may and sometimes will lead to rejection or some form of social embarrassment. Women don’t even come close to men in this particular aspect.
Ego is a real problem with us men. Our egos are just too strong. It dominates us, influences our behaviors, and defines our actions. It’s very easy to hurt a man’s ego, and women know that very, very well. Very few men work internally to improve their ego management. And I think the dating and relationship coaching world ignores this important topic.
Men lack aesthetic sense and are more value and utility driven. For them, the concept of means to an end makes all the sense, but a sense of experiencing just for the sake of it doesn’t make sense. And that’s why they can’t make sense of many things women indulge in. I am talking about heterosexual men here.
Most men like the idea of women as their opposite sex, and lots of them love it. However, most men hesitate to express it. They dialed it down. Again, it’s about what’s appropriate and inappropriate.
At least the men I have come across want to marry and have kids and raise a family. They desire a good wife who has the qualities of being a great homemaker (not necessarily a housewife), possibly a good mother, and someone who celebrates the concept of family. Surprisingly, even though there is a strong perception that men want to fool around with women and remain a bachelor, they prefer to settle down.
I am sure there’s a lot more to men, especially good, than what I have managed to compile.