There is this “One Woman” in some Men’s life..

Many years back, probably 18 years ago, I had a dear friend in my college who was dating this girl. He was absolutely smitten by her. So much so, that during our 12th grade board exams (most important exams till that time) he used to travel to pick her up from her place ( which was 9 kms away from his place), drop her to her examination center, then go to his examination center, finish his exams, again travel back to her center to pick her up and drop her to her place and then finally come back to his place. True Story.

That One girl became his journey, life and destination. He lost himself in pursuit of keeping her. No other woman, how attractive she may be, had that hold over him. He lost self-respect, his purpose, value of his time, his own space, and his identity. Loo and behold, she left him soon after the exams ended. Offcourse, he was broken after that.

I always wondered why does most men, no matter where they come from (age, social hiearchy, cultures, etc), become a weak, compromised Man for that One Woman ? Why they lose track of the fact that they are going out of their way for her, again and again? Why, a Favor is seen as a gesture of affection, caring and love for the One woman? And how can a man not end up in a place, where he loses his identity for a love of a particular woman?

I can ascribe following reasons to why a man lose a sense of ‘going out of his way’ :

  • Lack of a mission which is stronger than the woman. A mission that fulfills him more than a/any woman can. A mission which primarily flourishes and nourishes masculine element of himself.
  • High levels of need for feminine love, affection and touch.
  • In his heart of heart, he thinks that he can’t do better than her (maybe because she is hot/gorgeous) and cannot sustain himself without her.
  • Amateurish Infatuation, which usually happens in young age.
  • Biology. Sometimes our brain chemistry is alter in love to the point we see and perceived the particular woman as perfect. This usually happens when a man falls newly in love or after a long time.
  • Having her, increases the social value of the man. So he recognizes the perks of having her in his life.
  • It will take a lot to find another woman as a companion.
  • Combination of these reasons.

Whatever may be the reasons and it’s important to be aware of them, but the key is to be Self-Aware of one’s track at all times. Going out of one’s way to constantly keep a woman satisfied (at least in the mind of the man) usually goes unrecognized.

The worst part is that it always backfires. A woman will lose Respect for the man who bends over for her constantly.

And remember, a woman cannot be turned on by a man, who she cannot respect.

Knowing what we know now, how can a man come to a place of strength within himself?

The bad news is that you can’t flip the script right away. To overcome all of the above reasons mentioned, requires a process of internal and external work, which always takes time and experience.

But right away a man can become conscious/aware of these sub-conscious elements and recognize when they show up in his relationship with a woman, and put the brakes on his behaviors that makes him lose his identity.

How-to identify these behaviors, which can be deemed as ‘bending over’ ?

I must admit, it’s really difficult to confront these behaviors in real time. But be as that may, a man can ask himself following questions?

  • Would I do this/these things if the particular woman was my best friend and there was zero degree of attraction for her?
  • Would I do this/these things if she would be leaving the country soon for good and never see me again?
  • How do I feel after doing all the things for her? Does some of the things I did and do drains my energy, constantly?

If the answer to above questions is clear No, then with a reasonable certainty, you can say then you are bending over too much.

We do bend over a bit for our loved ones, but there is an implicit unspoken contract involved that they will be doing the same for us.

A principle that I learned was, that if you decide to do a favor ( and do only when invited) for a woman then make sure that they are made aware of it, so that they appreciate it.

The difficulty lies in being honest to oneself that the thing you are doing for her is a Favour. Well, because we lose ourselves in Love.

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