On 3rd September, 2021 night, I broke some of my own principles leading me to have terrible night at a bar in Mumbai. When I woke up next morning in a grumpy state of mind, I had to self reflect on my previous night debacles. I had to examined, the reasons I went into my head the previous night. Why I was saying unnecessary things uninvited?
This particular post are reflections of my own misgivings. The reflections of the following morning paved way to the following 3 principles I usually follow on any given day or night in any social venues. They are certainly not cast in stone, but they keep me sane and well always.
- Slow down and observe.
Once I am in a bar/cafe or any other social venue, I plant myself at a certain position initially (ideally with 360 degree view) and just observe the flow of the room. I am never in hurry to mingle with people. I observed the body language of women in the room, the dynamics of the people in there, and rarely other men. Yes, every now and then I walked around the bar to cover the entire floor space, but still in the spirit of observing. I do not worry about other guys maneuvers (a mistake most guys make); everyone has their own agenda and most importantly their own style including personal pace and rhythm. The true observation does not involve judgments, analytics, comparisons. Observation is done for its own sake.
- Always Say ONLY if you have something to say.
I have evolved over the years to say only if I have something to say. The distinction is important here between making up something to say and having something to say. Few years back, I would see a girl I fancy and then think of something most socially intelligent thing I could say to her. For instance, if I would be sitting next to a girl in a cafe; I would observe everything about her including her attire, what she is doing, the things she carrying, the way she is seated, etc, and used the information to form the most socially appropriate opener. This is the case of making up something to say.
While now, I have evolved to say what comes to me on seeing a girl/girls or even a mixed group. For instance, if my eyes pauses on a girl lips because they look lovely, then I would express that.Or if I sense a mischief in a girl’s eyes on seeing me, then I may say “What’s your number?” I remember, I walked up to a set of two girls and said to one of them, “I was looking for you all day”, she asked “Me?”, I said “Yes, a girl with her heart on her sleeves”. One of the girls was wearing a top with an image of a heart on one of her sleeves. The moment I saw that, I had something to say.
The former is the case of being in your head, while latter is the case of being in the body. Women can instantly sense a difference between the two and respond with a polite smile or fake laugh to the former and in admiration to latter.
So say ONLY when you have something to say.
- Walk up when you are invited
Invading women’s space is one of the common mistakes men make in a social venues. Especially in a bar like environments, walking up to women or their tables to strike a conversation is normalized. In my personal experiences, by and large women don’t appreciate uninvited approach. Having said that, this is open to debate and I know lot of people would disagree with that. However, speaking for myself, I walked up to girl(s) only on two occasions. One is when I have something to say (point 2) and other if I am invited to approach them.
I will still be mindful of their space before walking up to a girl or gang of girls, even if I have something strong to say. But I would not hesitate to enter a girl’s proximity, if I feel I am invited. To know whether a man is invited or not to approach a set of girls or a girl, requires skill of reading body language. I must confess, I am never 100 percent sure of the invitation signals. But I make sure the probability is high.
These 3 principles always keep me in good stead and in great company of women, sometimes.